Day 1: It’s Saturday Again

8:38pm. It’s Saturday…again. It’s been 257 days since the COVID-19 shutdown started for me. I haven’t lost my sanity, yet, but I’m so close. I’m feeling the strain from seeing these kids all day, every day. Even now, there’s a little one on the floor playing with LOL Dolls, while I’m silently screaming for a moment alone.

There’s a new court date: 1.15.2021. I’m less than two months away from being 100% done with their father. My heart has known that it’s been over for years, but I’m still struggling because… Damn, this is real. I never wanted to be a single parent. Hell, I never saw myself being divorced either. I royally fucked up our marriage, and there is no going back. I don’t even want to go back. I just like to wallow in the pain that I’ve caused on myself. 

Over the last week or so, I’ve experienced so many emotions. Am I a good parent? Am I fucking up my kids? Will I ever be happy again? I just feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and getting up is hard as fuck because… This shit fucking hurts. I’m hurting and I have no one I can go to. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with myself because I always push people away. I’m upset with myself for always pretending that I’m good. I’m upset because it’s to the point where no one even bothers to ask me if I’m okay anymore. I also understand that I’m here because of me. I understand that these are the consequences for my actions. And I understand that I have to acknowledge that I’ve been a shitty person to a lot of people, and there might not be any coming back from that…

I have been fighting all my demons away
So that I could become the best thing you have

Stay Where You Are – Yuna

More shit like this...

4 comments

  1. Are you ok?

    It’s never too late to start mending relationships. You’re doing what you feel is best for you. Eventually life will begin to make sense and fall into place. Give yourself some time to do some soul searching, self actualizing and healing. This divorce will be the closing of something you want the end of. Start living the life you were meant to have. You’re still young. You never know what god has in stores for you. Don’t lose your faith. Take all your hobbies and work on them full time. The pandemic is weighing constantly, I know. But…stay busy.

    1. Are you ok?

      Not really, but all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know that I’m doing the right thing, but there are so many moving parts… It gets overwhelming. I’m trying my hardest to find the energy to do anything more than get out of bed and work.

  2. Hey butterfly… sorry about it all. I’ll be sure to check in more often!
    First, never forget about YOU! It’s okay to feel this out, question it, be sad about it, hurt about it. Never forget about you and what you need. Things happen within its timing. When the time is right, you can speak to your children about it. For now, try speaking with a therapist. I am therapist #4! I’ve been to one for a breakup and it was one of the best decision I’ve ever made. Learn alot.. give yourself room and time.

  3. I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now. And I know that this pandemic coupled with these lockdowns aren’t helping at all. I DEFINITELY understand how that feels. This is an absolutely awful time for you to be going through a divorce. I don’t know all of the details, but I’m also sure if it’s gotten to this point then there needed to be some type of resolve. I hope that you can find some peace within yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure you will get there in time.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: