8:38pm. It’s Saturday…again. It’s been 257 days since the COVID-19 shutdown started for me. I haven’t lost my sanity, yet, but I’m so close. I’m feeling the strain from seeing these kids all day, every day. Even now, there’s a little one on the floor playing with LOL Dolls, while I’m silently screaming for a moment alone.
There’s a new court date: 1.15.2021. I’m less than two months away from being 100% done with their father. My heart has known that it’s been over for years, but I’m still struggling because… Damn, this is real. I never wanted to be a single parent. Hell, I never saw myself being divorced either. I royally fucked up our marriage, and there is no going back. I don’t even want to go back. I just like to wallow in the pain that I’ve caused on myself.
Over the last week or so, I’ve experienced so many emotions. Am I a good parent? Am I fucking up my kids? Will I ever be happy again? I just feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and getting up is hard as fuck because… This shit fucking hurts. I’m hurting and I have no one I can go to. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with myself because I always push people away. I’m upset with myself for always pretending that I’m good. I’m upset because it’s to the point where no one even bothers to ask me if I’m okay anymore. I also understand that I’m here because of me. I understand that these are the consequences for my actions. And I understand that I have to acknowledge that I’ve been a shitty person to a lot of people, and there might not be any coming back from that…
I have been fighting all my demons awayStay Where You Are – Yuna
So that I could become the best thing you have