Happy New Year!

WOW! It is OFFICIALLY 2022! I really wanted to make a year-end post, but lately, I’ve been struggling trying to find the words.

The last two weeks of 2021 were very eventful. My ex-husband moved the rest of his things, so I took the opportunity to do a deep clean of my space. The kids and I washed every single piece of laundry. We went through every cabinet, closet, and drawer to clean out things that were no longer needed. We cleaned every room from top to bottom, and did some rearranging. I got a new bedroom set and moved the old one to my daughter’s room. Her old bed moved into my son’s room to upgrade him to a king size bed. I bought new dinnerware and silverware sets. And I just feel GOOD!

This is the first time in my 36 years that I have truly lived without another adult. I thought I would be nervous about him leaving for good, but I’ve been sleeping fine at night. Overall I’m in a great space. I still have lots of decorating to do… I haven’t quite decided on a color scheme, but Pinterest is my new best friend.

The last step is my name change, which is still being held up by the Social Security Office being closed due to COVID. I was hoping to get it done before year-end, but… Omicron.

On to some more positivity…

I ended the year with a promotion! I am officially the Lead Trainer for my department. I have so many plans to update the department’s training program, and I cannot wait to get started.

I feel so good about 2022! I’m going into this year with a fresh start and a new outlook on life. I’m going into 2022 as a free woman. This is the year where I finally focus on myself and getting to know me.

I hope you all have a wonderful 2022, and make some meaningful goals for yourself.

Mastodon

2021 was a great f***in’ year

Tuesday. 9:57 PM. I’m nursing a glass of red wine, winding down from a long ass workday and four hours of work on a school project. Listening to my In My Feelings playlist and just vibing. Being me. Not the me from a few days ago, but happy me. Reflecting on how I handled my first holiday as a single woman. Spoiler: It was a train wreck.

I spent Thanksgiving Day alone. I had invitations to go places, but I really just wanted a day to myself. Turns out, that was a terrible idea. I spent the entire day focused on my shortcomings, rather than all of the amazing shit that has happened to me this year. In turn, I found myself crying for days and refusing to get out of bed. Picking fights in hopes to make other people feel as miserable as I felt. It was wrong as hell. I’ve owned it and accepted that I ain’t shit for acting that way.

Despite my depression, I managed to finish working on this site. I even managed to finish the last post that took me days to write. But look at me now! I made it. I cannot stress enough how I have personally benefited from therapy. This time last year… I would have been blaming everyone but myself for my actions. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.

I wanted to take a moment to reflect on all of the great things that I’ve experienced this year.

January – April

  • I traded my old car for a 2020 Kia Optima. That’s right, the first car that I purchased on my own.
  • We got a puppy! Stella is a Morkie (Maltese/Yorkie Mix). I found an amazing breeder down in Mount Pleasant, SC and the process was seamless. We absolutely love her.
  • We took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge in North Carolina for Spring Break.
  • I bought some skates… That was a very short lived hobby.
  • The divorce was finalized.

May – August

  • I cut my hair again. Hair cuts for me symbolize freedom and new beginnings.
  • I bought a Peloton Bike and lost some weight.
  • I bought an iMac and an iPad Pro.
  • I took trips to Albany, GA…twice… to see… A friend.
  • I started hanging out with my friends more.
  • I celebrated my 36th birthday at Folly Beach with the kids.

September – Present Day

  • I joined the dating scene. It didn’t work out. I’m not ready, lol.
  • I upgraded to the iPhone 13 Pro Max.
  • WE OUTSIDE, Y’ALL!
  • I took the kids to not one, not two, but THREE birthday parties, and we have plans for one more this year.
  • I took my first solo trip to New Jersey and New York to hang out with my girl, Kay. We went to the So Shameless Podcast live show.
  • I took the kids to the State Fair for the first time since 2014.
  • I went to the Columbia R&B Festival and sung off-key to Bobby Brown, Brian McKnight, Debarge, Dru Hill, Keith Sweat, and Tevin Campbell.
  • I received a Superior rating on my work performance review.

It’s been a great year for me. It’s nice to remind myself that despite the challenges and downfalls, I’ve had way more good days than bad ones.

Bih, We Back!

Three days. That’s how many days it took me to get back to this post.

It’s been 15 years since I’ve blogged under the n3rdie “brand”. To be completely honest, it was always my favorite. n3rdie is a nod to a time when I was kinda free and wild. When I pretended to not care about what other people thought about me. When I was encouraged by the blogging community to express myself daily and be who I am without consequence.

Yesterday, my daughter asked me a question:

If you could go back to any age, which would you choose and why?

I said 16 and that I’d tell her why when she’s a little older… She’s 8, if you’re wondering.

Why 16?

Simply put, 16 was the beginning of bad life choices. It’s not a secret that I grew up sheltered. 16 was the age I started working. I got exposure to people from different walks of life and it seemed like I was missing out on so much. It was the year I started lying to my parents… The year I lost my virginity… The year I had my first pregnancy scare… The year I experienced my first abusive relationship… The year I experienced heartbreak. Just…so much for a young person who didn’t know much of anything about… anything. Even if I went back to that age, if I can’t take what I know now back with me, it would be pointless. Because the truth is, I didn’t know anyone back then who had a healthy relationship with love and sex. I made my life hard, unnecessarily, but I have so many experiences that I would not have gotten otherwise. What I can do is reflect and do better for my daughter. I want so much more for her. I want to teach her the things that my mother couldn’t teach me.

Anyway…

I’ve spent the past few days reading through old posts from those years, and the one thing that stood out is that I’m here because of me. Yes, there was some shit that happened to me that shouldn’t have. Yes, I felt unloved and unwanted by many, but the people around me did their best. I didn’t physically want for anything. I’ve always just wanted to feel wanted… To feel like I mattered… To feel like I was someone’s priority…

I’m so fucked up. I want all these things that I can’t even give. I want to give them, but where do I even start? By starting over with someone new? Or am I supposed to right the wrongs that I’ve done? *deep sigh*

Point is: Without healing, dysfunction breeds more dysfunction. I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to embrace therapy. I know what I need to do and I just need to do the shit.

Y’all really be out here dating and…?

That’s it. That’s the post.

Maybe I’m being a tad bit dramatic about dating because it’s new to me. Hell, I haven’t been in these streets in over a decade. Or… Maybe the shit really is ghetto. Maybe I need to stop comparing everyone I meet to people I previously fucked with. Maybe I need stop trying to show loyalty to people who don’t deserve it. Maybe I’m just not ready and need to spend more time focusing on me. There is so much to unpack here.

Also, have I really been out of the blogging game long enough for WordPress to switch it up on me like this??? I’ll be back after I figure this shit out.

How did you get here?

In the words of Deborah Cox,

How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.

It’s been over three years since I found my home at Told By Ter**. What started as a lifestyle blog quickly turned into another online journal. And that was ok… After all, my blogging hobby started with online journals. During that transition, I never unlinked my blog from my social media accounts, and that’s where the problems started.

My marriage has ended. After years of arguing, fighting, and thinking we were doing what was best of the kids by keeping a two-parent home, we decided to call it quits. It was touch and go for a while…wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing… Trying to explain to the kids that mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore… Coping with being alone since I’ve never been on my own. The last couple of years of therapy has brought some clarity. I can, honestly, say that I am doing somewhat better.

The ex-husband struggles more than I do. He often questions what he did wrong. I’ll admit that I haven’t been the easiest person to talk to, which is why he felt the need to go looking for answers. (Closure and shit, I guess.) That led him to the link that I never removed from my IG profile, and he ended up with hurt feelings. Ever since, I haven’t felt like it was safe to talk about my feelings over there. Every time I logged in to write something, I felt like…maybe I needed to censor myself. I hated that feeling, so here we are.

At the end of it all, I need my space. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy sharing my life, but I’m tired of censoring myself to protect the feelings of other people. Part of this new journey is learning who I am and deciding who I want to be going forward. I no longer want to be the person who goes out of her way to make everyone else comfortable. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go back to TBT. As with anything, time will tell.

Day 1: It’s Saturday Again

8:38pm. It’s Saturday…again. It’s been 257 days since the COVID-19 shutdown started for me. I haven’t lost my sanity, yet, but I’m so close. I’m feeling the strain from seeing these kids all day, every day. Even now, there’s a little one on the floor playing with LOL Dolls, while I’m silently screaming for a moment alone.

There’s a new court date: 1.15.2021. I’m less than two months away from being 100% done with their father. My heart has known that it’s been over for years, but I’m still struggling because… Damn, this is real. I never wanted to be a single parent. Hell, I never saw myself being divorced either. I royally fucked up our marriage, and there is no going back. I don’t even want to go back. I just like to wallow in the pain that I’ve caused on myself. 

Over the last week or so, I’ve experienced so many emotions. Am I a good parent? Am I fucking up my kids? Will I ever be happy again? I just feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and getting up is hard as fuck because… This shit fucking hurts. I’m hurting and I have no one I can go to. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with myself because I always push people away. I’m upset with myself for always pretending that I’m good. I’m upset because it’s to the point where no one even bothers to ask me if I’m okay anymore. I also understand that I’m here because of me. I understand that these are the consequences for my actions. And I understand that I have to acknowledge that I’ve been a shitty person to a lot of people, and there might not be any coming back from that…

I have been fighting all my demons away
So that I could become the best thing you have

Stay Where You Are – Yuna